Research Final Draft

Divorce Difficulties through the Eyes of the Children


“Some parents have a difficult time meeting their children’s emotional needs when a marriage is coming apart because some mothers and fathers are sure that time, all by itself, will ease the emotional pain a young person feels at watching his or her parents disentangle their lives together and go in separate directions.” This quote taken from Kay Marie Porterfield’s book, Straight Talk about Divorce, provides an example of how many parents do not know how to help their children cope with divorce. Divorce is commonly known as the breaking of a marriage and the separation of the husband and wife. According to the National Center for Health Statistics’ National Vital Statistics Reports, the divorce rate for the United States was 3.5 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States including D.C.) in 2008 and the marriage rate was 7.1 per 1,000 population. This means that approximately half of those marriages ended in divorce.
If divorce alone is not heartbreaking enough, almost all children are negatively affected by their parents’ separation. Children who come from divorced families sometimes develop adjustment disorders. They may also be more likely to struggle in school and everyday activities. Most importantly, divorce has the strongest negative effect on the futures of children and young adults. Some may feel that although divorce is a serious life changing experience, it does not have a strong negative effect on children and young adults. However, in any type of family fallout children and teenagers are going to be affected, but divorce is a life changing experience in which parents do not always realize their impact.
One such impact is the development of an adjustment disorder. “When young adults lose friends, can’t relate to family members, or get into trouble at school following their parents’ divorce, it is an indication they may have developed what mental health professionals call an adjustment disorder” (Porterfield, 42). An adjustment disorder is commonly known as an abnormal and excessive reaction to a life stress (Google Health). Many will agree that divorce is a tremendous life stress, not only on the adults, but the children involved. Divorce temporarily turns people’s lives upside down which can lead to some sleepless nights, forgetfulness, loss of appetite, and bad dreams resulting from stress (Poterfield, 42). Adjustment disorders can affect a person’s work and social life, which is an important aspect for many children and teenagers. In order to prevent their children from experiencing an adjustment disorder, parents should be honest. Both parents should be available to discuss the impending divorce at a level appropriate for each child; be able to answer questions; read age appropriate books on divorce with their children; reassure that the divorce is not their fault; and let them know that both parents will continue to love them and put their needs first (Jamison-Foulkes). To avoid an adjustment disorder from occurring divorcing parents should make sure not to argue with each other in front of their children and to not interrogate children about visits with the other parent (Jamison-Foulkes). “The unhealthy process of denying our feelings hurts us, and it can lead us to hurt others. When we ignore our feelings, we develop what mental health professionals call defense mechanisms, ways of walling off our emotions so we don’t have to feel them, and walling ourselves off from the world in the hope that we won’t be hurt” (Porterfield, 77). Children along with their parents will take part in this at least once during the divorce, but to insure against an adjustment disorder parents should be sensitive to their children’s emotions needs.
Divorce can change a child or teenager by provoking negative attitudes, changing their personalities, and causing participation in unconstructive activities. “Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children” (Eleoff). Not only is there a strong sense of dishonesty between the parents during a divorce, but more often than not, the children feel abandoned by their family. Sometimes this can lead the children and teenagers to lash out their anger. Some children and teenagers may develop bad behaviors of skipping school, receiving poor grades, stealing, using alcohol or drugs, or suffering poor eating habits or disorders (Porterfield, 43). Children and young adults especially tend to practice routine negative behavior that only adds more stress to the separating parents, but what the parents do not always realize is that their children are often acting out because they are only looking for love and attention during this dramatic period.
Children and teenagers affected by divorce tend to live their lives more differently than those who come from a non-separated family and their futures may turn out differently as well. “The long-term outcomes of well-adjusted or poorly adjusted children draw heavily on the child’s post-divorce quality of life and on the post-divorce or remarried parent-child relationship” (Eleoff). Those who come from divorced families develop a sense of independency at a younger age than most. They also have a hard time trusting others. Thus, their independent and untrustworthy personalities may cause them to struggle in future relationships. Children and teenagers from a divorced family may worry that they too will end up like their parents if they ever fall in love and get married. In the end, many children and teenagers grow up to be very troubled adults with trust issues when it comes to their future relationships all due to dealing with their parents’ divorces.
Regardless of all the factors divorce revolves around, some feel that children and teenagers are not strongly, affected in a negative manner. Some believe that children can still be raised in happy and healthy two-home families. Author of the self-help book, Co-Parenting after Divorce, Diana Shulman, J.D., Ph.D. believes that co-parenting is a constructive response to the upheaval brought about by divorce. Aspects of a divorce exist where the parents can still work together for the sake of their children. “Effective communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship; a good co-parenting relationship is no exception” (Shulman, 115). Some deem that as long as both parents can conduct a talking relationship, even if it is strictly about their children, without arguing, bickering, or criticizing, then they can successfully co-parent and not cause their children so much discomfort. The way children and teenagers are raised ultimately determines the outcome of their future. If they can still be raised in a happy and healthy environment by separated parents, then their emotional well-being will result the same as if their lives had never been affected by divorce.
“According to United States Census figures, each year more than a million children and teenagers experience the breakup of their nuclear families--- families made up of children and the mother and father who conceived them” (Porterfield, vii). This may seem shocking to some, but this is factual and a reality of life. Marriage and divorce experts predict that nearly half of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce (Porterfield, vii). To further illustrate the percentage of divorce, currently according to the U.S. Census Population Clock, approximately 309,053,375 are registered citizens of the United States (U.S. & World Population Clocks). Therefore, about one third of the population’s marriages at some point result in divorce. Divorce has become a constant in today’s world; however, some may overlook the effects, especially those on the children and teenagers forced to cope. Some may feel that, divorce has an effect on the children of a dismantling family, but they are not that strong or life changing. Unfortunately, the consequences of divorce weigh very heavily on the children. They are forced to grow up more quickly and learn they cannot depend on their parents being together. This can result in complicating their own futures especially with trusting others who try to enter their lives. On the whole, children and teenagers are affected by divorce in a very negative manner.







Works Cited

“Adjustment Disorder.” Google Health 2010. April 5 2010.
https://health.google.com/health/ref/Adjustment+disorder

Eleoff, Sara. “Divorce Effects on Children.” The Child Advocate Nov. 2003. 26 Jan. 2010. http://www.childadvocate.net/divorce_effects_on_children.htm

Jamison-Foulkes, Lesley. “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” Clinical Psychology Associates of North Central Florida, P.A. 1 Jan. 2001. 26 Jan. 2010. http://cpancf.com/articles_files/efffectsdivorceonchildren.asp

“Marriage and Divorce.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 8 April 2010. April 5 2010. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

Porterfield, Kay Marie. Straight Talk about Divorce. New York: Facts on File, Inc., 1999.

Shulman, Diana. Co-Parenting after Divorce. Sherman Oaks: WinnSpeed Press, 1996.
“U.S. & World Population Clocks.” U.S. Census Bureau 12 April 2010. 12 April 2010. http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html

Survey Reflection

I titled my survey “Dealing with Divorce” which consisted of ten questions. My research topic is divorce and I plan to focus the most on how it affects children and teenagers. Five out of the ten questions were multiple choice as the others required my surveyors to type out responses. The multiple choice questions were very basic for example question #9 asked, “Do you plan on getting married?” and the choices were “Yes”, “No”, and “Other” which offered a space to comment. I focused on surveying people who were between the ages of 15 and 25 and out of the ten people who completed my survey I had one participant the age of 17, two were 18, three were 19, one was 20, two were 22, and one was 25. If I were to re-do my survey I think I would have tried harder to find others who were younger so I could get some opinions of younger individuals as well. Also, if I were to re-do my survey I would have changed some of the questions in order to make more of them multiple choice instead of requiring my participants to respond with such great detail and personal feelings. However, I was very pleased when analyzing my results to know that the individuals that chose to participate in my survey answered the response questions to the best of their ability with great detail that really gave me an insight on their opinions of divorce. I have posted two questions and answers of my survey in my screen captures and I found it some what astonishing to find out 90% of the people I surveyed know five or more people who have gone through a divorce; keeping in mind the people I surveyed are only between the ages of 17 and 25. Also, when asked the question of “How greatly does divorce worry or effect your life on a scale from 1 to 5 (5 being the worst)” the average answer was 3. To me, that means the majority of these young adults I have surveyed and only one being married have some worry or effect on their lives regarding divorce. Overall, I was very proud of my survey results, mainly because it is uncommon for people especially between the ages of 17 and 25 to think divorce is a good thing so their responses were very well answered. I found my survey to be a great way to get others’ opinions regarding my research topic and feel it will really help to open my eyes to not only my own views regarding divorce when it comes to writing my research paper.

Interview Photos

Above is the most recent picture of Aly(left) and me(right)taken in November 2009 when we went to Marquette to visit friends. As you can see whenever we are together we are usually laughing and enjoying eachother's company. I consider us both very blessed to be friends even though I was not there for her during her parents' divorce.

This is a picture of Aly's mom's house. It is a basic house that is just the right size for Aly, Aly's brother, and herself. Aly admits that she calls her mom's house her "home" more so then her dad's but only because she has a dog there.

This is a picture of Aly's dad's house which to most looks very similar to her mom's house. Both parents downsized from their larger home they shared together and bought houses that are suitable for their single-parent lifestyles.

Profile Paper

Here One Week, There the Next

“I hate having to live in two different houses and never knowing which one a certain shirt I want to wear is.” This quote illustrates one of the common complications children and teenagers face due to divorce. When Aly, my best friend, was sixteen years old, her parents decided to separate. Not only were they splitting up, they were breaking up their family. Aly is now twenty. She spent all of her high school years going back and forth spending time between her mom and dad. Aly is an ambitious and outgoing individual. I have been her friend for four years now and have seen how wonderful a person she is, but the life she has to deal with everyday can be a challenge and stressful. During our interview, she admitted that she does not feel like she has a real place to call home. She feels more at home at her mom’s house because she has a dog there and usually daughters are always closer to their mothers, but she still cannot call one house her home. She has two houses that she spends every other week living in, but no home.
“I don’t like feeling like my parents have to fight for or win who I like more. They are both my parents; I don’t want to feel like I have to choose between them.” Aly’s dad and mom are both caring and involved in her and her younger brother’s lives. Unfortunately, if one parent does not make it to one of their soccer games the other parent feels like they “won” because they showed up. Aly said she wishes everyone could get along. “I know I have a family, but sometimes I wish we were how we used to be.” Aly’s dad works for Ford Motor Company and her mom works for Henry Ford Hospital. When they decided to divorce they both moved into smaller houses, but in the same city so Aly and her brother would not have to switch schools. Aly’s dad pays for the lease on her car, and her mom pays for the insurance. “It seems like every little thing that seems simple, has to be discussed or argued about then settled on between my parents.” Most divorced couples can tolerate each other for the sake of their children, but they usually end up arguing which can pay a toll on their children’s development.
Furthermore, Aly is a beautiful and fun young woman and she has never had a steady long-term relationship. I asked her if she is afraid of love because of her parents and she said, “No, I just haven’t found the right guy worthy of my time.” Since I have been her friend for some time now, but not during her parent’s divorce, I can still tell when she is trying to hide certain feelings. I believe her family background will affect her future relationships. Everyone fears the future, because it is unpredictable, but those who come from divorced families seem to fear it more because they do not always see the love between their parents like others. “I think it would have been worse if my parents divorced when I was younger, but then again I think I just say that because I’m older.” When Aly’s parents split up and she was flowing with emotions dealing with adolescence and the divorce easily added more stress and pressure on her. Since she was older, she felt like she did not want to get involved or even worse, be part of her parents’ arguments. She admits now that she is used to her parents’ decision to divorce, but at the same time wished they would have tried harder to work it out.
All in all, I have felt very close to Aly throughout our friendship, but we have never sat down and talked about her family and the issues she dealt with when her parents divorced. I could sense she felt uncomfortable when asked certain questions especially on a topic we never discuss. Fortunately, being friends and being used to talking everyday made it easier. I asked Aly if she would want her parents to get remarried if that is what they wanted and she said, “No way, they are completely different people now.” Aly admitted to me that she likes to tell herself when she gets married and has a family she will not let divorce be an option because of the difficulties she dealt with when growing up. Aly is just one person who is part of a separated family, her feelings are her own and do not justify those of others, but her feelings are real and should be cared about. Maybe sometimes divorce is for the best even if one does not think so at the time.

Reading Response #2

Chapter 5 Exercises
Part One
The following phrases were written by social historian Julie Charlip to distinguish the views of others:
-Marx and Engels wrote...
-Oh, it's not the middle class that's disappearing, he said...
-His definition...
-"I'm sure that's what my father would tell you."

The following phrases were written by Charlip to distinguish her views from theirs:
-I find myself...
-In my days as a newspaper reporter, I...
-But I always felt...
-"What class do I come from?"
-"What class am I in now?"
-As a historian, I seek the answers...

Part Two

a. In my persuasive essay written about mandating uniforms in all schools I engaged in only one perspective, my own and that of others who agree uniforms should be mandatory in all schools.
b. I might be able to include the other sides perspective on why students should not be forced to wear uniforms, yet still keep my foot down on my opinion.
c. I distinguished my views from the other views I summarized by using different signal phrases and different paragraphs explaining a certain author's specific opinion.
d. Yes, I did use clear voice signaling phrases because throughout my essay one can tell when I am stating my own opinion or when I am quoting another author.
e. Signaling phrases and different paragraphs regarding different subject opinions were available options for clarifying who is saying what.
f. Signaling phrases were best suited for this particular text because I tried to include as many different quotes that were for my opinion on the subject as possible, and signaling phrases made it possible to recognize who was saying what when I included quotes from many author's in the same paragraph together along with my own voice.

Reading Response #1

Chapter 1 "They Say" Exercises
1. a. Some scientists suggest that there are dangerous levels of Chemical X in the Ohio groundwater.
b. A number of readers view this novel to have certain flaws.
c. A number of people have recently suggested that football is boring.
d. It has become common today to say male students often dominate class discussions.
e. A number of critics suggest the film is really about the problems of romantic relationships.
f. Some students fear that templates like the ones in this book will stile their creativity.

2. If ever there was an idea custom-made for a Jay Leno monologue, this was it: people actually think they can talk to and carry on understanding conversations with their pets. Isn’t that like the dead coming back to life? Whatever happened to the physically impossible?
I happen to sympathize with these so called dog communicators, though, perhaps because I myself am a dog owner and lover.

Screen Capture of My Desktop

Composing changes shape in digital spaces by becoming permanent. Once I posted my piece of composition, it is unchangeable. What one sees, is what it is. However, before posting my piece, it was much easier to create digitally using Microsoft Word compared to drafting it on a piece of paper. Digital composing allows one to easily produce his or her thoughts into organized and clean documents. For example, Microsoft Word recognizes grammar and punctuation errors, which helps to maintain the organization of ones thoughts rather than a piece of paper with many scribbles and erase marks.
We can better understand digital composing processes by asking a person who is very technology savvy or one could simply conduct searches on the Internet with questions they may have. Many digital composing processes provide some help, but I feel if one is lacking an understanding they should test the process on their own until they become comfortable enough with it. For example, I have never used or created a blog before so before submitting any of my assignments I plan to review others and get comfortable with the program so I am confident that I have properly posted my work. I have also asking a friend who has created blogs before to give me some basic background knowledge on how they work. I feel it is very important that people use and become comfortable with digital composing. It is a widely used process and everyone in today’s society can benefit from its abilities.