Research Final Draft

Divorce Difficulties through the Eyes of the Children


“Some parents have a difficult time meeting their children’s emotional needs when a marriage is coming apart because some mothers and fathers are sure that time, all by itself, will ease the emotional pain a young person feels at watching his or her parents disentangle their lives together and go in separate directions.” This quote taken from Kay Marie Porterfield’s book, Straight Talk about Divorce, provides an example of how many parents do not know how to help their children cope with divorce. Divorce is commonly known as the breaking of a marriage and the separation of the husband and wife. According to the National Center for Health Statistics’ National Vital Statistics Reports, the divorce rate for the United States was 3.5 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States including D.C.) in 2008 and the marriage rate was 7.1 per 1,000 population. This means that approximately half of those marriages ended in divorce.
If divorce alone is not heartbreaking enough, almost all children are negatively affected by their parents’ separation. Children who come from divorced families sometimes develop adjustment disorders. They may also be more likely to struggle in school and everyday activities. Most importantly, divorce has the strongest negative effect on the futures of children and young adults. Some may feel that although divorce is a serious life changing experience, it does not have a strong negative effect on children and young adults. However, in any type of family fallout children and teenagers are going to be affected, but divorce is a life changing experience in which parents do not always realize their impact.
One such impact is the development of an adjustment disorder. “When young adults lose friends, can’t relate to family members, or get into trouble at school following their parents’ divorce, it is an indication they may have developed what mental health professionals call an adjustment disorder” (Porterfield, 42). An adjustment disorder is commonly known as an abnormal and excessive reaction to a life stress (Google Health). Many will agree that divorce is a tremendous life stress, not only on the adults, but the children involved. Divorce temporarily turns people’s lives upside down which can lead to some sleepless nights, forgetfulness, loss of appetite, and bad dreams resulting from stress (Poterfield, 42). Adjustment disorders can affect a person’s work and social life, which is an important aspect for many children and teenagers. In order to prevent their children from experiencing an adjustment disorder, parents should be honest. Both parents should be available to discuss the impending divorce at a level appropriate for each child; be able to answer questions; read age appropriate books on divorce with their children; reassure that the divorce is not their fault; and let them know that both parents will continue to love them and put their needs first (Jamison-Foulkes). To avoid an adjustment disorder from occurring divorcing parents should make sure not to argue with each other in front of their children and to not interrogate children about visits with the other parent (Jamison-Foulkes). “The unhealthy process of denying our feelings hurts us, and it can lead us to hurt others. When we ignore our feelings, we develop what mental health professionals call defense mechanisms, ways of walling off our emotions so we don’t have to feel them, and walling ourselves off from the world in the hope that we won’t be hurt” (Porterfield, 77). Children along with their parents will take part in this at least once during the divorce, but to insure against an adjustment disorder parents should be sensitive to their children’s emotions needs.
Divorce can change a child or teenager by provoking negative attitudes, changing their personalities, and causing participation in unconstructive activities. “Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children” (Eleoff). Not only is there a strong sense of dishonesty between the parents during a divorce, but more often than not, the children feel abandoned by their family. Sometimes this can lead the children and teenagers to lash out their anger. Some children and teenagers may develop bad behaviors of skipping school, receiving poor grades, stealing, using alcohol or drugs, or suffering poor eating habits or disorders (Porterfield, 43). Children and young adults especially tend to practice routine negative behavior that only adds more stress to the separating parents, but what the parents do not always realize is that their children are often acting out because they are only looking for love and attention during this dramatic period.
Children and teenagers affected by divorce tend to live their lives more differently than those who come from a non-separated family and their futures may turn out differently as well. “The long-term outcomes of well-adjusted or poorly adjusted children draw heavily on the child’s post-divorce quality of life and on the post-divorce or remarried parent-child relationship” (Eleoff). Those who come from divorced families develop a sense of independency at a younger age than most. They also have a hard time trusting others. Thus, their independent and untrustworthy personalities may cause them to struggle in future relationships. Children and teenagers from a divorced family may worry that they too will end up like their parents if they ever fall in love and get married. In the end, many children and teenagers grow up to be very troubled adults with trust issues when it comes to their future relationships all due to dealing with their parents’ divorces.
Regardless of all the factors divorce revolves around, some feel that children and teenagers are not strongly, affected in a negative manner. Some believe that children can still be raised in happy and healthy two-home families. Author of the self-help book, Co-Parenting after Divorce, Diana Shulman, J.D., Ph.D. believes that co-parenting is a constructive response to the upheaval brought about by divorce. Aspects of a divorce exist where the parents can still work together for the sake of their children. “Effective communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship; a good co-parenting relationship is no exception” (Shulman, 115). Some deem that as long as both parents can conduct a talking relationship, even if it is strictly about their children, without arguing, bickering, or criticizing, then they can successfully co-parent and not cause their children so much discomfort. The way children and teenagers are raised ultimately determines the outcome of their future. If they can still be raised in a happy and healthy environment by separated parents, then their emotional well-being will result the same as if their lives had never been affected by divorce.
“According to United States Census figures, each year more than a million children and teenagers experience the breakup of their nuclear families--- families made up of children and the mother and father who conceived them” (Porterfield, vii). This may seem shocking to some, but this is factual and a reality of life. Marriage and divorce experts predict that nearly half of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce (Porterfield, vii). To further illustrate the percentage of divorce, currently according to the U.S. Census Population Clock, approximately 309,053,375 are registered citizens of the United States (U.S. & World Population Clocks). Therefore, about one third of the population’s marriages at some point result in divorce. Divorce has become a constant in today’s world; however, some may overlook the effects, especially those on the children and teenagers forced to cope. Some may feel that, divorce has an effect on the children of a dismantling family, but they are not that strong or life changing. Unfortunately, the consequences of divorce weigh very heavily on the children. They are forced to grow up more quickly and learn they cannot depend on their parents being together. This can result in complicating their own futures especially with trusting others who try to enter their lives. On the whole, children and teenagers are affected by divorce in a very negative manner.







Works Cited

“Adjustment Disorder.” Google Health 2010. April 5 2010.
https://health.google.com/health/ref/Adjustment+disorder

Eleoff, Sara. “Divorce Effects on Children.” The Child Advocate Nov. 2003. 26 Jan. 2010. http://www.childadvocate.net/divorce_effects_on_children.htm

Jamison-Foulkes, Lesley. “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” Clinical Psychology Associates of North Central Florida, P.A. 1 Jan. 2001. 26 Jan. 2010. http://cpancf.com/articles_files/efffectsdivorceonchildren.asp

“Marriage and Divorce.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 8 April 2010. April 5 2010. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

Porterfield, Kay Marie. Straight Talk about Divorce. New York: Facts on File, Inc., 1999.

Shulman, Diana. Co-Parenting after Divorce. Sherman Oaks: WinnSpeed Press, 1996.
“U.S. & World Population Clocks.” U.S. Census Bureau 12 April 2010. 12 April 2010. http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html

Survey Reflection

I titled my survey “Dealing with Divorce” which consisted of ten questions. My research topic is divorce and I plan to focus the most on how it affects children and teenagers. Five out of the ten questions were multiple choice as the others required my surveyors to type out responses. The multiple choice questions were very basic for example question #9 asked, “Do you plan on getting married?” and the choices were “Yes”, “No”, and “Other” which offered a space to comment. I focused on surveying people who were between the ages of 15 and 25 and out of the ten people who completed my survey I had one participant the age of 17, two were 18, three were 19, one was 20, two were 22, and one was 25. If I were to re-do my survey I think I would have tried harder to find others who were younger so I could get some opinions of younger individuals as well. Also, if I were to re-do my survey I would have changed some of the questions in order to make more of them multiple choice instead of requiring my participants to respond with such great detail and personal feelings. However, I was very pleased when analyzing my results to know that the individuals that chose to participate in my survey answered the response questions to the best of their ability with great detail that really gave me an insight on their opinions of divorce. I have posted two questions and answers of my survey in my screen captures and I found it some what astonishing to find out 90% of the people I surveyed know five or more people who have gone through a divorce; keeping in mind the people I surveyed are only between the ages of 17 and 25. Also, when asked the question of “How greatly does divorce worry or effect your life on a scale from 1 to 5 (5 being the worst)” the average answer was 3. To me, that means the majority of these young adults I have surveyed and only one being married have some worry or effect on their lives regarding divorce. Overall, I was very proud of my survey results, mainly because it is uncommon for people especially between the ages of 17 and 25 to think divorce is a good thing so their responses were very well answered. I found my survey to be a great way to get others’ opinions regarding my research topic and feel it will really help to open my eyes to not only my own views regarding divorce when it comes to writing my research paper.